The Buck Stops Here
Whenever a boss has to own up to anything he does not like, he says the buck stops here, owns up to it and gets on with his life.
Since doing a little deprogramming, I have a large and grievous error in my thinking which has affected the way I go through life, as a whole.
I talk about programmers, new world order, family, friends, peers, and just about everyone else as a source of misery, sometimes, in my life. I never talk about the mind pattern that I alone am responsible for, as being the main culprit in this life. True enough, these other people and things may have programmed me when I was too small and weak to resist their efforts. That means I got the supposed rotten end of things for maybe 10-12 years. At about 13, or so, I could have and should have taken a different view than the one I did take. True enough, I was rebellious and thought I was different and started out upon a path that led me to exactly where I am today.
I realize now that I was, in fact, no different than what I despised then and now. As I sit now, observing me for the first time in such a harsh light, I realize the path I am choosing is a hard taskmaster, and to be completely honest with myself, may take a lifetime of effort, psychologically speaking. No, I’m not going to beat myself up anymore, I am just going to start out on a new path.
The path will be different than the ones I have chosen before because of the way in which I am capable of functioning now with respect to in the past. I now recognize that living is much more of an effort than before when I was just existing for the fun of it all. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with fun, as long as you know the message behind it all. The earth is a complete joy to live on as long as you can disconnect from the mind pattern that it is forming, one of victimization.
Everyone and everything on earth is controlled, indirectly or directly by something or someone else. It is this matter of control that I am rankling about. I know it is a power trip to control someone else without them knowing, much less, even recognizing the possibility of. I have recognized this before, and I am now doing it at an even deeper level.
At the age of 8, I realized that something was badly amiss in the world, but I was too young and too much under my parents active control to do anything about it. This is when I started to leave the crowd behind. Not knowing any better, I became an introvert, and a weird one at that. Weird, at least, from a sexual standpoint. My social skills are at about the same level today as they were then, for all intents and purposes, nonexistent. Things were going fine until about 13, when I had another one of those bad social events happen. This took my so-called introverted nature and made it extreme in every way. I vowed never to let anyone in my world again. At 17, I found out the true nature of religion (mind control) and forgot about it altogether. (still a wise choice) There again, though, I took it to the extreme, diving off the deep end into Objectivism. This was a world dominated by Ayn Rand and Nathaniel Branden. I was going alone swimmingly until I found the US Navy, or it found me. This was the first time in my life I had found something that I could not opt out of and it was baad, with a capital B. In short, I tried to commit suicide at 20, and when I botched that up too, I laughed and found it was all too easy to get out of the Navy and I did. I went back to my old life pattern of avoiding people at all costs, because they equated to pain and I had had enough of that for a long while. Almost every day, I would masturbate myself to sleep, and masturbate myself to become awake, using my version of sex to be alive. Around 28, I started to have bouts of depression, not knowing how well off I was, with only 1 hour of doubts/day max., I began a quest to search out the kind of people I could co-exist with. I was still deep into Objectivism, so I figured why not search for a female that was also likely inclined. I went to New York, and began my search. I should have known something was wrong when I went to an Ayn Rand talk and was blown away by a fierce mind pattern, such as hers. She was nasty, with a capital N, both in looks and tone. This made the depression a lot worse, and my personal doubts became a lot larger when I realized that I had believed in something that could be that vile. Now I was searching for something to replace Objectivism too, still masturbating myself to sleep and to waking state in fantasy. In my desperation, I went to a romantic love seminar, where I met Aurita. I should have known better, but I immediately became obsessed with her. I am still married to her, 24 years later, sad to say.
In she came, with her own set of insecurities and psychological miseries. Through the years, I have tried to make us fit, but never quite succeeded. She is an immigrant from Colombia and had a very poor childhood. She craves money with a capital M, first and foremost, in her life. She deeply cares about nothing else. She had no love as a child from either one of her parents and was constantly farmed out to relatives and schools. She was constantly told she was dumb because she is left handed and right brained, in the extreme. She never does anything the same way twice. She cares for me like a mother would care for a child, and has no ability to love me in any other way. She had sex with me at first, once a week, maximum, in the missionary position until it began to hurt to have sex. For someone who was used to having his own version of sex twice a day, this was and still is a large problem. Then she started to make rules up so she could be more comfortable. She had 3 DNC’s, an ineffective back operation, and a partial hysterectomy along the way. She has bad large varicose veins, poor circulation, and does not sleep well at all. I sleep soundly.
I had to take as shower immediately before sex so she would not anything similar to sweat on me. I eat a lot and can be rather smelly for all the farts. She reminds me constantly. I don’t have much of a nose, possibly due to an implant. She doesn’t have much an ear and doesn’t hear things well. She smells everything and I hear everything.
Then it was the oils for lubrication, which sometimes work, sometimes not. After that, it was the towels that had to ready right after sex, so she would not feel sticky. Then it was the towels between our bodies so that she could move without getting stuck to me. Pretty soon my erection began to wait 6-10 minutes between activity. I began to protest. Now it has been years since we have had sex. We still snuggle at night, as our only form of togetherness. I can only kiss her if I have shaved and brushed my teeth. She lost her job in 1995 and this was a bad blow for her, since she loves money so much. We have never gotten along as far as money goes. We have been broke since we met and she blames this on me all the time. I always have tried to please her in any way I knew how, but it has never worked. Every decision we ever made together has turned out wrong financially. In 1998, I retired from my work early to begin a new and better life in the stock market. By the year 2000, I was in debt so heavily that I had to stop the stock market thing to survive. We took a larger mortgage on our house and I began looking for a job. It is 2003 now and I am still looking with no prospect in sight. My past job was enough to barely sustain our lifestyle without serious compromise. 5 years without a source of income has stretched our relationship to no end. She was an electronic power supply designer and mow she is a graphic artist without work. I was a project engineer who used to be a stone cutter. I cut stone when there is work , but it is not often enough to pay all the bills, so here we are sinking, in a relationship that neither of us really wants with no apparent way out. I am scared to death of being with anyone else, knowing how comparatively well off I was before this disaster began. She feels the same way, only worse, because I betrayed her, to use her words, when I went into debt and lost the house to a mortgage which I could not pay and survive. She cooks for me and cleans the dishes. She snuggles with me, but absolutely will not talk to me or trust me ever again. Can you blame her, I don’t.
My family treats her like a stranger and they know none of this garbage that we put up with. She is overly sensitive to everything and I am an insensitive brut that has no feeling for anyone or anything. She has very little self esteem and I have more than my share. I tend to happy under any circumstances, while she cannot be pleased under any circumstances, except making her own money, and enough of it to say goodbye to me. It is clear to me that we should have never met, let alone got married and had an existence together.
Her ability to make money is less than mine. She worked like a dog for months for an art show that yielded only $200 in sales. Our expenses continue to run around $4500/mo on an income of possibly $1500/mo. Clearly something has to give. I wonder what it will be.
My prospects are not good. I continue to be able to earn about $900/ mop cutting stone for a brother that to put it lightly does not need my services at all. I go up and do things and he pas me bonuses, he says, to keep me afloat. Sometimes, I make $1000/mo, sometimes I make $500/mo, it’s up to him. Not a good situation for anyone involved. My wife dislikes my family intensely because they won’t treat her with respect. I don’t see family very often since they live in Colombia.
Since I was 8, I have been trained by the world at large to be an observer. Everything I see about the world indicates to me that it is a look, but don’t you dare touch world. Feeling the world is experiencing it, and experiencing makes it real because you can take that with you when you leave. Sight is very unreliable these days, as I have found out with my wife being a graphic artist and a good one at that. She can create things with the computer that you would swear were real if you hadn’t just seen her create them moments before. If you see clouds above, you now wonder who put them there. It used to be that seeing was believing, but not so anymore. Now, seeing is just another form of possibly misguided input to your brain. Quite literally, you don’t know what to believe anymore. I have begun to question everything that comes to me, reason it out as to whether to accept it as fact or not. It seems lately, that the only form of input you can trust is one that passes your own specific reality test. Just because the eye sees it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is what it appears to be.
Is the Aurora Borealis true or is it just the inner earth exhausting waste energy fields? Is the angel you just saw in the sky real or a holographic image projected from a satellite? Is the flying saucer you just saw from another civilization or your own government? Is the earth hollow or does it have a copper core? Is history real or just what some governing body wanted you to believe at the time of writing? Was Jesus really human or just a figment of someone’s overactive imagination? Is the m Moon naturally held in one position with respect to the earth or is it a reptilian satellite put there to govern its slaves. Did Americans go to the moon or was it all a massive hoax? Are we alone in the universe or are there aliens walking among us as we speak? How many versions of reality are there? I could go on forever, the point is, you can observe all you like, but until you put what you see through your reality filters, it could be anything.
The point continues to be, then, if this is not true, what is, in fact, real? Can anything be trusted? Is it all up for grabs? I say, of course it is, that’s my point. My version of reality probably is not anything like yours because I have had different experiences to bring me to this point, even if we had the same DNA, which is probably not the case. I use my mind pattern as an initial truth test. If anything still seems odd, I send it up to my oversoul and sometimes I get an answer, sometimes not for awhile, sometimes not at all. The answer, or lack thereof sends me on a quest to find one that is satisfactory to my set of initial conditions. Whatever happens, each thing that happens impacts my mind pattern in such a way as to further the same illusion I had before or set up a new possibility or detour in my way of life. If my mind pattern were so-called perfect then what is the need for me being here at all. One of the greatest purposes for being in 3-D is to learn by having experiences. Physical experience is one of biggest reasons that I can see for having 3-D and free will in the first place. You get to sample what god-mind has laid out and try to make sense of it all. What no one ever told you is that god-mind is evolving along with us. We are all connected in a very real way that most of us cannot see consciously. Are our bodies real, or just a structure that only appears real to us because our eyes can only “see” certain spectrums of the what is apparent light? Is a particle a wave? What is true for me is that we are all energy in some form or another and the mere fact we cannot see it does not mean that some things are not real. We can’t “see” radiation or electricity, but these are real things and can enhance or disrupt our very existence.
I had a very good night last night for introspection. I have had the feeling I am being used as a pin cushion for a long time. Last night, I found another, shall we say, violation. The place around my sternum is a favorite place sealed holes to appear. About 1 or 2 times a month, I find 1/8” round spots in the area that itch slightly. I used to squeeze them because I thought that they were pimples, but no puss or blood/puss combination ever came out. The night before, I figure, was when it happened because I got up and my bowels ran out like crazy with a creamy thick goo like I’ve never had before. Then I started searching for other areas that were sensitive and bumpy. Sure enough both temples of my head had the same bumps. There were also bumps on my arms, both forearm and upper arm. There were also bumps on my thighs. This happens frequently. As much as twice a month, I wake up with sealed holes on my skin. If I leave the bumps alone, sometimes they go away, slowly, and sometimes they don’t. If I leave them there long enough, they bumps become growths or moles and I have them removed. Consequently, all over my head, face, hands, and entire body, there are at times, a lot of bumps. I shower often and my head is always oily and I have discovered the reason why, all over my head are little pustules emitting oil and a crusty substance that is akin to me doing some heavy healing. I thought I have always been a slow healer, but maybe I am a fast healer that is constantly being attacked by someone or something consciously unseen or heard. Maybe I am a human pin cushion. My wife thinks I eat too much ice cream, so I stopped ice cream for a few months, but the same oily, crusty kind of activity continued.
Then I find someone has changed the security code on our house security system without notifying us. The security people are sending us a new form so we can reclaim our home. This happened within the last month.
Since I am doing deprogramming, I have begun to search for clues as to my early programming. I have found a number of events in my life, mostly sexual in nature, that have turned me from one path to another. Most have had disastrous consequences attached to them, for me, or /and the others I have resultantly come into contact with. I have been able to go back to age 4 and see them happening all over again.
I say that I am an observer, first and foremost. It is what I do best. I find I have been trained and/or routed into becoming a first class observer. Now why would someone go to the trouble of making an observer if they did not benefit in some way. Maybe I am reporting what I find to someone I don’t consciously remember.
I also find I am extremely destructive at times with respect to violating people. It has to do with my lost time episodes. I mentioned before that I have never had an accident that was not caused by me. This is sometimes when these violations occur. The people I hit with my car are violated. I never know the people I hit so I don’t know I activated them, but I did. I had a lost time event at work that got someone internally contaminated with Plutonium. The other way in which I violate people is to negotiate with them harshly, but in a manner that they are particularly vulnerable to. I bankrupted 2 companies this way and made 1 person have a heart attack, as well as made my wife marry me when she did not love me. These instances where I do things that are completely outside my normal character haunt me and make me wonder who is control of me. I am, of course, when I am consciously awake. But there is another side of me that is hidden and vicious. It comes out every once in awhile and haunts me. I know most psychological tricks like NLP very well and refuse to practice them because I consider the techniques a severe violation. Every once in a while, though, in spite of my best intentions, I do practice them, and I am a master. The person or situation is changed forever; this includes me. In my work, I am and was ruthless in my way of getting what I wanted. My bosses called me a self-fulfilling prophecy, with bad overtones because often I got what I wanted in spite of their best efforts to make me want something else. All my bosses resented my control over my own work, and in lots of cases, I assigned my own work as well as crucifying my boss, if he got on the wrong side of what I wanted to have happen. Needless to say, I am best off, working alone. However, I can be extremely effective at organization and manipulation of people without them knowing about it. In fact. Several people have complimented me on how well I work with them to get the job done. Woe be unto anyone whose project I happen to inspect, for I am absolutely ferocious when it comes to observing and cataloging problems. I am great at getting people to agree to schedules with out having them know how it happened. All these talents require several personalities to operate. At home, I am almost lazy and unconcerned about things and the way they turn out. I am very easily controlled by wife(controller). She tries very hard to control my every waking moment, with varying degrees of success.
My wife and I are very destructive toward one another. Our financial history is a story of complete and total disaster, going from one bad investment to another. I have taken things to an extreme all the time throughout my life, being more or less totally out of control, and loving it, while she leads a very controlled life, working every minute toward one goal or another. I cannot say that I am a goal oriented person. I am a sexually distracted, move away from pain type of person. I know that I have been programmed to be insensitive, uncaring, sexually active at all times. I must have experienced a lot of pain in my life, but I can say with all honesty that all I can remember of it is possibly the scars of being motivated away from pain and suffering in the extreme. I was trained to be a train, slow to start, but once I get going, I am impossible to stop until I achieve what I desire. I am a very content person, at peace with himself, most of time. I would call myself a happy person, but definitely a loner. I love to just sit and daydream away the day. I am also a very powerful worker and consider any job I have done to be fun. I was shifted into my nuclear career by my sexual daydreaming, mainly. My wife wanted more control over me than my father and my mother. I suppose you could say that I married my mother and my father, for my wife is the logical extension of my father and mother. My mother was a driven dominating monster who only loved through what she called tough love. My father was more my type of controller, manipulating the situation to control his son without ever becoming personally involved. My father is very right-brained. Both my mother and father and very intelligent and generally get what they want. I am sad to say that there is not very much love in either one of them though. Neither one of them ever understood anything about me or cared to , for that matter. My immediate genetic family has a history of also being pin cushions. All of us have several moles in the lymph gland area in our armpits. My mother was extremely beautiful and used her beauty to get what she wanted. She also had no real friends. My father is very sociable and has all kinds of friends. My mother used sex on my father like bait. He also masturbated a lot. They slept in separate beds. On their honeymoon in 1942, my mother got so sunburned that she could not bare for my father to touch her. It sounds like I am repeating that sexual preference myself. My mother also was very depressed about her lack of having a daughter, she tried 7 times, and had 3 boys. She could not carry full-term. We were all premature.
I now work for my brother, who also tries to control my every move, and dominates me monetarily with his so-called gifts to keep me afloat. He is my father’s favorite son, and the only one he cares about. My other brother dominates his family with an iron will and controls their every move. The brother I work for also dominates his family, unmercifully manipulating them at will. All their children are basically weak and want to be controlled, either marrying a controlling influence, or sticking close to home, and being a burden to their parents. In my work , I was a dominating controller so much that in my personal life, I suppose I can let someone else control me a little, but not too much. I am a very good manipulator.
My family and I have been programmed and controlled for a long time. I can see the same veins of control going back for at least 100 years and more. I, specifically, am an observer for the new world order, now that I concentrate on it. It is what I do. Everything I have ever done has been sexually controlled and motivated. I am not aware of any conscious physical abuse in my life, it has all been psychological in nature, and deeply subconscious. I have no doubt that I have at least one or more implants in me, that when activated, can report exactly where I have been, what I have been doing, and who I have been doing it with.
The more I uncover, the nastier I get. Look out for me, as I can never tell when or who I will report to next. I am a creature of habit and some habits are extremely hard to break. For your own sake, keep your distance. The more I find out about me at the deeper levels, the less I like what I find. When I concentrate on my wife, it gets even messier. She is activated very often now, and may have been for a long time. Her father and mother were psychological terrors to deal with and she still has many childhood scars she is dealing with.
My wife is in Colombia now, so I can do some introspection without her bothering me every hour to find out what I have been doing. The more I find out about this world psychologically, the less I like it. The levels of control are deeper than even I might have imagined, and I can imagine a lot.
As I said when I started this round, The buck stops here. I will do what I can about what I recognize as a source of misery, in the meanwhile, keep your guard up and wish me luck with personal battles. I am a survivor and I probably have slayed others in the process of me surviving. I’ll deal with that when and if I find it.
Since doing a little deprogramming, I have a large and grievous error in my thinking which has affected the way I go through life, as a whole.
I talk about programmers, new world order, family, friends, peers, and just about everyone else as a source of misery, sometimes, in my life. I never talk about the mind pattern that I alone am responsible for, as being the main culprit in this life. True enough, these other people and things may have programmed me when I was too small and weak to resist their efforts. That means I got the supposed rotten end of things for maybe 10-12 years. At about 13, or so, I could have and should have taken a different view than the one I did take. True enough, I was rebellious and thought I was different and started out upon a path that led me to exactly where I am today.
I realize now that I was, in fact, no different than what I despised then and now. As I sit now, observing me for the first time in such a harsh light, I realize the path I am choosing is a hard taskmaster, and to be completely honest with myself, may take a lifetime of effort, psychologically speaking. No, I’m not going to beat myself up anymore, I am just going to start out on a new path.
The path will be different than the ones I have chosen before because of the way in which I am capable of functioning now with respect to in the past. I now recognize that living is much more of an effort than before when I was just existing for the fun of it all. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with fun, as long as you know the message behind it all. The earth is a complete joy to live on as long as you can disconnect from the mind pattern that it is forming, one of victimization.
Everyone and everything on earth is controlled, indirectly or directly by something or someone else. It is this matter of control that I am rankling about. I know it is a power trip to control someone else without them knowing, much less, even recognizing the possibility of. I have recognized this before, and I am now doing it at an even deeper level.
At the age of 8, I realized that something was badly amiss in the world, but I was too young and too much under my parents active control to do anything about it. This is when I started to leave the crowd behind. Not knowing any better, I became an introvert, and a weird one at that. Weird, at least, from a sexual standpoint. My social skills are at about the same level today as they were then, for all intents and purposes, nonexistent. Things were going fine until about 13, when I had another one of those bad social events happen. This took my so-called introverted nature and made it extreme in every way. I vowed never to let anyone in my world again. At 17, I found out the true nature of religion (mind control) and forgot about it altogether. (still a wise choice) There again, though, I took it to the extreme, diving off the deep end into Objectivism. This was a world dominated by Ayn Rand and Nathaniel Branden. I was going alone swimmingly until I found the US Navy, or it found me. This was the first time in my life I had found something that I could not opt out of and it was baad, with a capital B. In short, I tried to commit suicide at 20, and when I botched that up too, I laughed and found it was all too easy to get out of the Navy and I did. I went back to my old life pattern of avoiding people at all costs, because they equated to pain and I had had enough of that for a long while. Almost every day, I would masturbate myself to sleep, and masturbate myself to become awake, using my version of sex to be alive. Around 28, I started to have bouts of depression, not knowing how well off I was, with only 1 hour of doubts/day max., I began a quest to search out the kind of people I could co-exist with. I was still deep into Objectivism, so I figured why not search for a female that was also likely inclined. I went to New York, and began my search. I should have known something was wrong when I went to an Ayn Rand talk and was blown away by a fierce mind pattern, such as hers. She was nasty, with a capital N, both in looks and tone. This made the depression a lot worse, and my personal doubts became a lot larger when I realized that I had believed in something that could be that vile. Now I was searching for something to replace Objectivism too, still masturbating myself to sleep and to waking state in fantasy. In my desperation, I went to a romantic love seminar, where I met Aurita. I should have known better, but I immediately became obsessed with her. I am still married to her, 24 years later, sad to say.
In she came, with her own set of insecurities and psychological miseries. Through the years, I have tried to make us fit, but never quite succeeded. She is an immigrant from Colombia and had a very poor childhood. She craves money with a capital M, first and foremost, in her life. She deeply cares about nothing else. She had no love as a child from either one of her parents and was constantly farmed out to relatives and schools. She was constantly told she was dumb because she is left handed and right brained, in the extreme. She never does anything the same way twice. She cares for me like a mother would care for a child, and has no ability to love me in any other way. She had sex with me at first, once a week, maximum, in the missionary position until it began to hurt to have sex. For someone who was used to having his own version of sex twice a day, this was and still is a large problem. Then she started to make rules up so she could be more comfortable. She had 3 DNC’s, an ineffective back operation, and a partial hysterectomy along the way. She has bad large varicose veins, poor circulation, and does not sleep well at all. I sleep soundly.
I had to take as shower immediately before sex so she would not anything similar to sweat on me. I eat a lot and can be rather smelly for all the farts. She reminds me constantly. I don’t have much of a nose, possibly due to an implant. She doesn’t have much an ear and doesn’t hear things well. She smells everything and I hear everything.
Then it was the oils for lubrication, which sometimes work, sometimes not. After that, it was the towels that had to ready right after sex, so she would not feel sticky. Then it was the towels between our bodies so that she could move without getting stuck to me. Pretty soon my erection began to wait 6-10 minutes between activity. I began to protest. Now it has been years since we have had sex. We still snuggle at night, as our only form of togetherness. I can only kiss her if I have shaved and brushed my teeth. She lost her job in 1995 and this was a bad blow for her, since she loves money so much. We have never gotten along as far as money goes. We have been broke since we met and she blames this on me all the time. I always have tried to please her in any way I knew how, but it has never worked. Every decision we ever made together has turned out wrong financially. In 1998, I retired from my work early to begin a new and better life in the stock market. By the year 2000, I was in debt so heavily that I had to stop the stock market thing to survive. We took a larger mortgage on our house and I began looking for a job. It is 2003 now and I am still looking with no prospect in sight. My past job was enough to barely sustain our lifestyle without serious compromise. 5 years without a source of income has stretched our relationship to no end. She was an electronic power supply designer and mow she is a graphic artist without work. I was a project engineer who used to be a stone cutter. I cut stone when there is work , but it is not often enough to pay all the bills, so here we are sinking, in a relationship that neither of us really wants with no apparent way out. I am scared to death of being with anyone else, knowing how comparatively well off I was before this disaster began. She feels the same way, only worse, because I betrayed her, to use her words, when I went into debt and lost the house to a mortgage which I could not pay and survive. She cooks for me and cleans the dishes. She snuggles with me, but absolutely will not talk to me or trust me ever again. Can you blame her, I don’t.
My family treats her like a stranger and they know none of this garbage that we put up with. She is overly sensitive to everything and I am an insensitive brut that has no feeling for anyone or anything. She has very little self esteem and I have more than my share. I tend to happy under any circumstances, while she cannot be pleased under any circumstances, except making her own money, and enough of it to say goodbye to me. It is clear to me that we should have never met, let alone got married and had an existence together.
Her ability to make money is less than mine. She worked like a dog for months for an art show that yielded only $200 in sales. Our expenses continue to run around $4500/mo on an income of possibly $1500/mo. Clearly something has to give. I wonder what it will be.
My prospects are not good. I continue to be able to earn about $900/ mop cutting stone for a brother that to put it lightly does not need my services at all. I go up and do things and he pas me bonuses, he says, to keep me afloat. Sometimes, I make $1000/mo, sometimes I make $500/mo, it’s up to him. Not a good situation for anyone involved. My wife dislikes my family intensely because they won’t treat her with respect. I don’t see family very often since they live in Colombia.
Since I was 8, I have been trained by the world at large to be an observer. Everything I see about the world indicates to me that it is a look, but don’t you dare touch world. Feeling the world is experiencing it, and experiencing makes it real because you can take that with you when you leave. Sight is very unreliable these days, as I have found out with my wife being a graphic artist and a good one at that. She can create things with the computer that you would swear were real if you hadn’t just seen her create them moments before. If you see clouds above, you now wonder who put them there. It used to be that seeing was believing, but not so anymore. Now, seeing is just another form of possibly misguided input to your brain. Quite literally, you don’t know what to believe anymore. I have begun to question everything that comes to me, reason it out as to whether to accept it as fact or not. It seems lately, that the only form of input you can trust is one that passes your own specific reality test. Just because the eye sees it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is what it appears to be.
Is the Aurora Borealis true or is it just the inner earth exhausting waste energy fields? Is the angel you just saw in the sky real or a holographic image projected from a satellite? Is the flying saucer you just saw from another civilization or your own government? Is the earth hollow or does it have a copper core? Is history real or just what some governing body wanted you to believe at the time of writing? Was Jesus really human or just a figment of someone’s overactive imagination? Is the m Moon naturally held in one position with respect to the earth or is it a reptilian satellite put there to govern its slaves. Did Americans go to the moon or was it all a massive hoax? Are we alone in the universe or are there aliens walking among us as we speak? How many versions of reality are there? I could go on forever, the point is, you can observe all you like, but until you put what you see through your reality filters, it could be anything.
The point continues to be, then, if this is not true, what is, in fact, real? Can anything be trusted? Is it all up for grabs? I say, of course it is, that’s my point. My version of reality probably is not anything like yours because I have had different experiences to bring me to this point, even if we had the same DNA, which is probably not the case. I use my mind pattern as an initial truth test. If anything still seems odd, I send it up to my oversoul and sometimes I get an answer, sometimes not for awhile, sometimes not at all. The answer, or lack thereof sends me on a quest to find one that is satisfactory to my set of initial conditions. Whatever happens, each thing that happens impacts my mind pattern in such a way as to further the same illusion I had before or set up a new possibility or detour in my way of life. If my mind pattern were so-called perfect then what is the need for me being here at all. One of the greatest purposes for being in 3-D is to learn by having experiences. Physical experience is one of biggest reasons that I can see for having 3-D and free will in the first place. You get to sample what god-mind has laid out and try to make sense of it all. What no one ever told you is that god-mind is evolving along with us. We are all connected in a very real way that most of us cannot see consciously. Are our bodies real, or just a structure that only appears real to us because our eyes can only “see” certain spectrums of the what is apparent light? Is a particle a wave? What is true for me is that we are all energy in some form or another and the mere fact we cannot see it does not mean that some things are not real. We can’t “see” radiation or electricity, but these are real things and can enhance or disrupt our very existence.
I had a very good night last night for introspection. I have had the feeling I am being used as a pin cushion for a long time. Last night, I found another, shall we say, violation. The place around my sternum is a favorite place sealed holes to appear. About 1 or 2 times a month, I find 1/8” round spots in the area that itch slightly. I used to squeeze them because I thought that they were pimples, but no puss or blood/puss combination ever came out. The night before, I figure, was when it happened because I got up and my bowels ran out like crazy with a creamy thick goo like I’ve never had before. Then I started searching for other areas that were sensitive and bumpy. Sure enough both temples of my head had the same bumps. There were also bumps on my arms, both forearm and upper arm. There were also bumps on my thighs. This happens frequently. As much as twice a month, I wake up with sealed holes on my skin. If I leave the bumps alone, sometimes they go away, slowly, and sometimes they don’t. If I leave them there long enough, they bumps become growths or moles and I have them removed. Consequently, all over my head, face, hands, and entire body, there are at times, a lot of bumps. I shower often and my head is always oily and I have discovered the reason why, all over my head are little pustules emitting oil and a crusty substance that is akin to me doing some heavy healing. I thought I have always been a slow healer, but maybe I am a fast healer that is constantly being attacked by someone or something consciously unseen or heard. Maybe I am a human pin cushion. My wife thinks I eat too much ice cream, so I stopped ice cream for a few months, but the same oily, crusty kind of activity continued.
Then I find someone has changed the security code on our house security system without notifying us. The security people are sending us a new form so we can reclaim our home. This happened within the last month.
Since I am doing deprogramming, I have begun to search for clues as to my early programming. I have found a number of events in my life, mostly sexual in nature, that have turned me from one path to another. Most have had disastrous consequences attached to them, for me, or /and the others I have resultantly come into contact with. I have been able to go back to age 4 and see them happening all over again.
I say that I am an observer, first and foremost. It is what I do best. I find I have been trained and/or routed into becoming a first class observer. Now why would someone go to the trouble of making an observer if they did not benefit in some way. Maybe I am reporting what I find to someone I don’t consciously remember.
I also find I am extremely destructive at times with respect to violating people. It has to do with my lost time episodes. I mentioned before that I have never had an accident that was not caused by me. This is sometimes when these violations occur. The people I hit with my car are violated. I never know the people I hit so I don’t know I activated them, but I did. I had a lost time event at work that got someone internally contaminated with Plutonium. The other way in which I violate people is to negotiate with them harshly, but in a manner that they are particularly vulnerable to. I bankrupted 2 companies this way and made 1 person have a heart attack, as well as made my wife marry me when she did not love me. These instances where I do things that are completely outside my normal character haunt me and make me wonder who is control of me. I am, of course, when I am consciously awake. But there is another side of me that is hidden and vicious. It comes out every once in awhile and haunts me. I know most psychological tricks like NLP very well and refuse to practice them because I consider the techniques a severe violation. Every once in a while, though, in spite of my best intentions, I do practice them, and I am a master. The person or situation is changed forever; this includes me. In my work, I am and was ruthless in my way of getting what I wanted. My bosses called me a self-fulfilling prophecy, with bad overtones because often I got what I wanted in spite of their best efforts to make me want something else. All my bosses resented my control over my own work, and in lots of cases, I assigned my own work as well as crucifying my boss, if he got on the wrong side of what I wanted to have happen. Needless to say, I am best off, working alone. However, I can be extremely effective at organization and manipulation of people without them knowing about it. In fact. Several people have complimented me on how well I work with them to get the job done. Woe be unto anyone whose project I happen to inspect, for I am absolutely ferocious when it comes to observing and cataloging problems. I am great at getting people to agree to schedules with out having them know how it happened. All these talents require several personalities to operate. At home, I am almost lazy and unconcerned about things and the way they turn out. I am very easily controlled by wife(controller). She tries very hard to control my every waking moment, with varying degrees of success.
My wife and I are very destructive toward one another. Our financial history is a story of complete and total disaster, going from one bad investment to another. I have taken things to an extreme all the time throughout my life, being more or less totally out of control, and loving it, while she leads a very controlled life, working every minute toward one goal or another. I cannot say that I am a goal oriented person. I am a sexually distracted, move away from pain type of person. I know that I have been programmed to be insensitive, uncaring, sexually active at all times. I must have experienced a lot of pain in my life, but I can say with all honesty that all I can remember of it is possibly the scars of being motivated away from pain and suffering in the extreme. I was trained to be a train, slow to start, but once I get going, I am impossible to stop until I achieve what I desire. I am a very content person, at peace with himself, most of time. I would call myself a happy person, but definitely a loner. I love to just sit and daydream away the day. I am also a very powerful worker and consider any job I have done to be fun. I was shifted into my nuclear career by my sexual daydreaming, mainly. My wife wanted more control over me than my father and my mother. I suppose you could say that I married my mother and my father, for my wife is the logical extension of my father and mother. My mother was a driven dominating monster who only loved through what she called tough love. My father was more my type of controller, manipulating the situation to control his son without ever becoming personally involved. My father is very right-brained. Both my mother and father and very intelligent and generally get what they want. I am sad to say that there is not very much love in either one of them though. Neither one of them ever understood anything about me or cared to , for that matter. My immediate genetic family has a history of also being pin cushions. All of us have several moles in the lymph gland area in our armpits. My mother was extremely beautiful and used her beauty to get what she wanted. She also had no real friends. My father is very sociable and has all kinds of friends. My mother used sex on my father like bait. He also masturbated a lot. They slept in separate beds. On their honeymoon in 1942, my mother got so sunburned that she could not bare for my father to touch her. It sounds like I am repeating that sexual preference myself. My mother also was very depressed about her lack of having a daughter, she tried 7 times, and had 3 boys. She could not carry full-term. We were all premature.
I now work for my brother, who also tries to control my every move, and dominates me monetarily with his so-called gifts to keep me afloat. He is my father’s favorite son, and the only one he cares about. My other brother dominates his family with an iron will and controls their every move. The brother I work for also dominates his family, unmercifully manipulating them at will. All their children are basically weak and want to be controlled, either marrying a controlling influence, or sticking close to home, and being a burden to their parents. In my work , I was a dominating controller so much that in my personal life, I suppose I can let someone else control me a little, but not too much. I am a very good manipulator.
My family and I have been programmed and controlled for a long time. I can see the same veins of control going back for at least 100 years and more. I, specifically, am an observer for the new world order, now that I concentrate on it. It is what I do. Everything I have ever done has been sexually controlled and motivated. I am not aware of any conscious physical abuse in my life, it has all been psychological in nature, and deeply subconscious. I have no doubt that I have at least one or more implants in me, that when activated, can report exactly where I have been, what I have been doing, and who I have been doing it with.
The more I uncover, the nastier I get. Look out for me, as I can never tell when or who I will report to next. I am a creature of habit and some habits are extremely hard to break. For your own sake, keep your distance. The more I find out about me at the deeper levels, the less I like what I find. When I concentrate on my wife, it gets even messier. She is activated very often now, and may have been for a long time. Her father and mother were psychological terrors to deal with and she still has many childhood scars she is dealing with.
My wife is in Colombia now, so I can do some introspection without her bothering me every hour to find out what I have been doing. The more I find out about this world psychologically, the less I like it. The levels of control are deeper than even I might have imagined, and I can imagine a lot.
As I said when I started this round, The buck stops here. I will do what I can about what I recognize as a source of misery, in the meanwhile, keep your guard up and wish me luck with personal battles. I am a survivor and I probably have slayed others in the process of me surviving. I’ll deal with that when and if I find it.
posted by Mike Liesveld @ 7:42 PM
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