Now

Life is here and now. Life is to be lived in the present. What am I thankful for? I am thankful for my health, my ability to make things I want happen in my life, my experiences that I treasure, and my inbred happiness that no one can touch. My health is what I make of it. If I choose to believe that my body has cancer, then I choose to make myself full of cancer and I die. My ability to make things happen in my life is also mine. Just as I make this form of reality real for me through a conscious decision to manifest it, I make my own destiny happen in the same manner. I change my conditions when I feel the need to move on with my life to the next stage. I am at that stage in my life. My form of reality is changing. I can see and feel it every day. What I am becoming is something very different that what I was before. I feel that I am sprouting wings when I write at my computer and when I am alone in my car. The quarry has been transforming me into a man that believes it is okay to do what he likes, regardless of the money he makes or does not make. I have always had more than I need to get by. I now realize that I have enough to fly my way. If you happen to be going my way, come along for the ride. I cannot promise you safety, for I don't believe in it anymore. I have been living by the seat of pants ever since I quit Rocky Flats and I rather like it now. I make things happen on a smaller monetary scale now, than I did before. The scale of our living is out of proportion to my current ability to make the $ to support it. I no longer wish to even make the pretense of trying to support my old lifestyle. Maybe it wasn't truly mine to start with. I made some promises to you earlier in my marriage to you that are now impossible to keep. For that I am truly sorry. However I will not ever live for you. I never have been at a job that I disliked. I am very happy at whatever I do to make ends meet. They are not meeting now. There is a reason for things in my life. Things do not happen at random for me and never have. I am a dreamer and always have been. The universe is telling me to change and I am changing fast. It may be too fast for you to even contemplate. In changing, I have lost your trust. I am not willing to give up my happiness in its present form to make you happy anymore. I have truly been walking on pins and needles ever since I quit my holy government job. I guess it made you feel unsafe so you have been badgering me with it every chance you get for the last 4 years. I am through bankrupting myself to please you or anyone else. I am sorry for what I did, but I thought I could make it all right. Now I know I cannot. I am very unemployable for a reason. Subconsciously I may want to find a different solution. That different solution does not involve supporting a lifestyle that I am not part of. I realize now that I never wanted any timeshares. More importatantly, I am now realizing that you, too, never wanted the timeshares. You just want to make your own way in the world. I thought until now that I was able to help you in doing that. It appears that I was wrong. I never asked if you wanted any help. I know you are missing your flowers and your wonderful yard that you treasure so much. I am here to tell you that you will, in fact, build a better rose garden at our next home. You make your own reality also. Stop thinking that you have no part in this life that we are leading. You continually blame me for making your life so miserable. Where is the Objectivist in you that screams out at anyone who proclaims I live for anyone else , but myself. How you can get away with continually badgering me for how your life has turned out is beyond me? What is, is. Existence exists. I am I. Right now the Objectivist in me is screaming too. Okay, I made a humongous error in judgement by doing what I did. According to you, I lost every penny you ever made. If I am such a loser why did you stick with me for so long. Financially, we have always been a mess. You live a very disciplined life while I am very undisciplined in my thinking and always have been. What happened to you while I was doing this to you. Were you just hoping things would improve? By osmosis? Was that your reasoning or lack thereof? The universe has been telling me lately that I had better slow down and get some sense to my life. I created a car crash and a deadbeat business that became someone else's hobby and a larger than life debt to hit me over the head, so that I would learn.