Living with a man can be hazardous to your mental health

The smell of our farts is sometimes overwhelming.
The noise of our snoring is a bit bad at times.
The flaring of our temper for no apparent reason is not too nice.
The way in which you are expected to put up with the mass destruction of something just because we are mad at it.
The flaring of the stomach as we age can be obscene at times.
The crack of our ass as we bend over is a bit much to digest.
Often a look is all the foreplay we think about because we are always hot to trot.
We are always in the mood at the wrong time because that is all we think about.
The way in which we make love with Wham, Bam, no thank you, mamm can be extremely harsh at times.
The way in which we fall asleep on you after orgasm just when you are getting hot is sad.
The way in which we are constantly looking at other women’s breasts and butts can be deceiving.
You can’t disturb us while we are watching football without us going into a tizzy.
We often leave the toilet unflushed like we expect you to do it for us.
We are doing something inane and you come in for some attention, alas, and get ignored.
We often leave the toothbrush out for you to pick up if we use a toothbrush at all.
We come home, expecting a warm greeting with foul breath and wonder why you are not glad to see us.
We expect you to cook and clean for us, but gripe when we have to mow the lawn or rake the leaves.
We are insensitive to your needs, but gripe when ours are not met, as if you should know automatically.
We never make the bed, but are always ready to mess it up.
We outweigh you 2 to 1, but are surprised when our arm is too heavy for you to breathe.
We will go out and buy a new truck on a whim, but gripe when you spend $50.00 on something you need for the family.
We will drive wildly, yet gripe when you follow too close.
We profess to love you yet we look mostly at other women and pay no attention to you.
We will make you wait on us, but get mad when you make us wait.

Now just why would you ever want to get involved with a man in the first place?

We can lift heavy things, but rarely do lift something heavy for you.
We can fight someone off when you want us to, but spend most of our time fighting with you.
We can open doors for you, unless you get here first.
We can make the money you need to survive, but never make enough to make you comfortable.
Our ability to focus is better than yours, but we never do.
We can give you pleasure, but most of the time, it’s just painful.
We can make babies, but never are around to take care of them.
We are able to love you, yet run hot and cold on the relationship.

I know why; it’s because we are so adorable.

Life is What you Think about

If ever there was a term that is misunderstood, it is life.
Life is what you make of it.
More importantly though, it is what think about.
On a daily basis.
There was a man at work last week who had it made by any standard you want to measure.
He had just completed 20 years of civilian service.
He had just got the job he always wanted, working with his best friend.
He got a good raise to go out of a bad job into a good one.
He was bright and happy, we thought.
He had a loving family who supported him all the way.
On the surface.
Underneath, though, was a different matter altogether.
He had had fears big time about everything turning out wrong.
It was what consumed his day.
He never saw things as working out well.
So what does he do the day after he gets the fabulous job he had always dreamed of and could do without breaking a sweat?
He kills himself.